NEAD Scotland

History

• "The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."

• "Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."

• "Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."

• "The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."

• "Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"

• "Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."

• "The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."

• "Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."

• "Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."

• "Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel."

• "Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."

• "Bach died from 1750 to the present."

• "Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."

• "[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."

• "The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."

• "Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."

• "Queen Victoria's reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality."

• "Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign."

• "Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."

• "Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."

• "It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."

• "Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."

• "One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."

• "Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."

• "Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."

• "In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."

• "The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."

• "When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."

• "Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."

• "The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."

The Bible

• "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."

• "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

• "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."

• "Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."

• "Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

• "Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."

• "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients."

• "The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert."

• "Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."

• "The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

• "The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'"

• "The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"

• "Moses died before he ever reached Canada."

• "Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

• "The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him."

• "David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."

• "David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."

• "Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

• "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

• "The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

• "St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."

• "Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

• "In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."

Music

• "The piano finishes off the piece."

• "[Beethoven] went death but still kept on writing and producing music. He wrote one more symphony after his death."

• "Smetana suffered the same fate as Beethoven and went death."

• "The computer-generated sounds came in with a screeching nose."

• "It was the most fun self-culturing experience I have endured."

• "Shania Twain, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson." -- A student naming "three female vocal ranges, from low to high."